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3 things for parents and kids

We had a good turnout for our camp this past week. The kids did a super job of listening and trying to learn.

Our theme this week was what Tom Izzo, from Michigan State, says, "listen to learn, learn to listen."

As we finished up camp yesterday we encouraged the parents and campers with three points to think about as they left our campus. We also wanted them to think about the rest of the summer.

1. " It’s not what you achieve it’s what you become."
The accolades you receive are not as important as the person you become. Just because you don’t achieve the greatest stats or awards it doesn’t affect your character. Focus more on who you are a person on the inside than your status.

2. "Don’t give up, don’t ever give up"
During Coach Jim Valvano’s impassioned speech at the ESPY’s before his death he used this line. Don’t give up on your kids no matter how much they frustrate you and drive you crazy. They have a chance to be molded into something special.

Kids need to do the same thing. Allow you parents to be parents. Don’t give up on them trying to learn to be better parents. They will make mistakes and they most often will try to get better.

3. What You Think of Me is None of My Business.
This is actually the title of a book by Terry Cole Whitaker. No matter how hard we try we can’t please everyone. There is no sense even trying to make everyone in our circle happy. If as a coach I try to make all of our players happy we will not have a very good chance of having a good team. If a teacher tries to make all the students happy then there probably will not be a lot of learning going on in that classroom

If you try to make your kids happy all the time you will not be able to provide them the discipline they need. We know that if our kids try to make all their friends happy and try to please everyone they will end up in a lot of trouble especially if they end up in the wrong crowd. Even being in the good crowd can give them problems because it would be impossible to keep all those friends happy. What others think of you is none of your business. You have to be happy in your own skin and realize God made you in a special way for a special purpose.

What I want ask of my team each year

I want my teams to have these qualities each year. When you watch our teams I want you to think these things about our squad.

Teamwork
Dependable
Resilient
Consistent
Honest
Loyal
Encouraging

John Homer Miller

Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens."

John Homer Miller

Good Things Come to Those Who Ask by Jack Canfield

 

Asking for what you need is probably the most underutilized tool for people. And yet, amazing requests have been granted to people simply because they've asked for it!

Whether its money, information, support, assistance, or time, most people are afraid to ask for what they need in order to make their dreams come true.

They might be afraid of looking needy, ignorant, helpless, or even greedy. More than likely, though, it is the fear of rejection that is holding them back. Even though they are afraid to hear the word no, they're already saying it to themselves by not asking!

Do you ask for what you want or are you afraid of rejection?

Consider this:  Rejection is just a concept. There is really no such thing as rejection! You're not any worse off by hearing no than you were before you asked. You didn't have what you asked for before you asked and you still don't, so what did you lose?

Being rejected doesn't hold you back from anything. Only YOU hold yourself back. When you realize that there's no merit to rejection, you'll feel more comfortable asking for things. You may just need a bit of help learning how to ask for what you want.

How to Ask for What You Want

There’s a specific science to asking for and getting what you want or need in life. And while I recommend you learn more by studying The Aladdin Factor, here are some quick tips to get you started:

1. Ask as if you expect to get it. Ask with a positive expectation. Ask from the place that you have already been given it. It is a done deal. Ask as if you expect to get a “yes.”

2. Assume you can. Don’t start with the assumption that you can’t get it. If you are going to assume, assume you can get an upgrade. Assume you can get a table by the window. Assume that you can return it without a sales slip. Assume that you can get a scholarship, that you can get a raise, that you can get tickets at this late date. Don’t ever assume against yourself.

3. Ask someone who can give it to you. Qualify the person. Who would I have to speak to get... Who is authorized to make a decision about... What would have to happen for me to get...

4. Be clear and specific. In my seminars, I often ask, “Who wants more money in their life?” I’ll pick someone who raised their hand and give them a quarter, asking, “Is that enough for you?” “No? Well, how would I know how much you want? How would anybody know?”

You need to ask for a specific number. Too many people are walking around wanting more of something, but not being specific enough to obtain it.

5. Ask repeatedly. One of the most important Success Principles is the commitment to not give up.

Whenever we’re asking others to participate in the fulfillment of our goals, some people are going to say “no.” They may have other priorities, commitments and reasons not to participate. It’s no reflection on you.

Just get used to the idea that there’s going to be a lot of rejection along the way to the brass ring. The key is to not give up. When someone says “No”— you say “NEXT!” Why?

Because when you keep on asking, even the same person again and again...they might say “yes”...

…on a different day
…when they are in a better mood
…when you have new data to present
…after you’ve proven your commitment to them
…when circumstances have changed
…when you’ve learned how to close better
…when you’ve established better rapport
…when they trust you more
…when you have paid your dues
…when the economy is better
…and so on.

Kids know this Success Principle better than anyone. They will ask the same person over and over again without any hesitation. (can you relate?)

Getting a good perspective on rejection and learning how to ask will make a world of difference for you as you work toward your goals. Practice asking and you'll get very good at it! You'll even speed your progress by getting what you need, or improving yourself in order to get it later.

Make a list of what you need to ask for in all areas of your life, and start asking.

Remember, ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE… if you dare to ask!

I'll be back in two weeks with another edition of Success Strategies. Until then, see how you can discover ways to immediately implement what you learned from today's message!

© 2010 The Canfield Training Group
All Rights Reserved.

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Are you "stuck" in this area?
If you need to change your behaviors, create new self-talk, and develop a plan to get what you want from life, I'm happy to help you move beyond your barriers at my powerful Breakthrough to Success program being held this August in Scottsdale.

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Jack Canfield, America's #1 Success Coach, is founder of the billion-dollar book brand Chicken Soup for the Soul© and a leading authority on Peak Performance and Life Success. If you're ready to jump-start your life, make more money, and have more fun and joy in all that you do, get your FREE success tips from Jack Canfield now at: www.FreeSuccessStrategies.com

In honor of my wife one of her hero’s quoted here

"If you're climbing the ladder of life, you go rung by rung, one step at a time. Don't look too far up, set your goals high but take one step at a time. Sometimes you don't think you're progressing until you step back and see how high you've really gone."

Donny Osmond

From Coach Wilkerson’s Tips from the Hoop

"We must have discipline in our own life before we can bring discipline to those we lead."

He who ignores discipline comes to poverty and shame,

but whoever heeds correction is honored. Proverbs 13:18

Encountering Greatness

 

“Success is peace of mind which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you did your best to become the best you are capable of becoming.”

Coach John Wooden (1910-2010)

Spending time with Coach John Wooden

My college coach, Don Meyer, said if in your lifetime you had one person that expected greatness out of you should be thankful. Most people can live their whole lives and never get pushed or driven to the point of their maximum potential. People can live without ever having someone expecting greatness out of them.

In addition to being pushed by towards greatness by someone there is the chance of being around greatness or someone that would be consider to be outstanding. Some people never get to encounter people that are at the top in their chose field. I have spent a lot of my coaching and teaching career seeking out people that are exceptional in their chosen profession. I ask a lot of questions and some people give me a hard time for being so inquisitive, but that is my nature. It must be in the genes because a couple of my own children seem to have the same trait. It has been that way for me been since I was a little kid. Something about me wants to know what makes people tick and especially those that are successful. I try to pass it on to my children and players the lessons I have learned from others. Hopefully one golden nugget can help them on their path of life.

In 1990 I was able to be an assistant coach for Athletes in Action (AIA) basketball team that traveled to Poland and Greece. Mark Gottfried was the head coach of that team. Mark was at that time was the graduate assistant coach at UCLA. We developed a close relationship and our families also became close. Being part of the UCLA family Mark was also beginning to get to know Coach John Wooden fairly well.

John Wooden is the leader in the coaching profession. Being two degrees from him made me feel close to him nonetheless.

Mark would tell me stories about how he and the staff at UCLA would meet with Coach Wooden periodically. He also talked of how he was able to spend some one on one time with Coach Wooden. To me that was not something I could wrap my brain around. Coach Wooden was an icon to all basketball coaches and probably you could say to coaches of all sports in general.

To be that close to Coach Wooden I thought must have been the ultimate in coaching. Mark and I stayed in fairly close contact and one day Mark asked me the date of my birthday. I knew we were close, but guy friends just usually aren’t into sharing birthday gifts. (December 21^st for anyone interested). Around the first of December I received a long envelope with Mark’s return address. I’m glad I didn’t just rip into the envelope. Once I opened it up it was an autographed copy of the “Pyramid of Success” by Coach John Wooden. It was like I held the copy in my hand and for a minute couldn’t breathe. I thought how awesome a gift. It was the best birthday gift I had ever received. I couldn’t really tell anyone that because I didn’t want to offend my mother or my wife. I can remember when I opened the package and just sitting there for a few minutes and staring at the autographed Pyramid by Coach Wooden. It was not just any autograph and it was not just any copy of the Pyramid of Success. It was the real deal and signed by the Coach himself. This was something that I could tell was going to a treasure for quite some time. Still have it on my wall in my office and hope if stays there for a long time. It is a cherished possession.

Years later I was an assistant for Mark at Murray State University and at then at the University of Alabama. I had always wanted to go and see Coach Wooden and meet him personally. Mark had said maybe sometime when we were out in California there recruiting we could make it happen. Some trips had come and gone to Los Angeles without seeing Coach Wooden. I never pushed Mark about going to see Coach Wooden and I’m not sure why. For some reason I guess I thought if it was meant to be it would all work out.

We were recruiting a young man from Southern California in the spring of 1999. As we made travel plans to go out for our home visit Mark came into my office a couple of days before the trip and said, “If you can get us into Los Angeles early enough in the day maybe we can go see Coach Wooden before the home visit.”

That’s all I needed to here. Get us there early enough? I would have had us walking there. We had one other stop before we headed to Los Angeles. I had us on the latest flight into Dallas the night before and getting up for the first flight out the next morning for LA. Mark was surprised this was the best way for us to get to LA. When we were getting up the next morning with only a few hours of sleep Mark, asked, “Is the best flights we could get to LA?” It was selective hearing on my part of course. I didn’t say it was the best way I just said was the way we were getting to LA.

When he said get there early to see Coach Wooden that was all I needed to hear. Sleep could come later. Once we landed and got the rental car and drove near Coach Wooden’s condominium I was bugging Mark to call almost with the anxiety of a 7^th grader. We called once around 7:45am and no answer. Coach Wooden goes to eat breakfast usually at the same place every day at the same time I learned later. There we were in early from our flight. Mark is tired and I’m anxious. “Call, call, call”, I ‘m telling Mark. It is like two kids in junior high. Mark does not want to keep leaving messages so we wait and wait and wait.

Finally around 9:00am we get in touch with Coach Wooden and head to his home. If you have read any stories about his home they are true. At the time I had no idea what to expect. What do you expect when you go into the house of a living legend? We walked down the hall toward his condominium and then knocked on the door. There he was. He answered the door alone without the help of anyone else. No maid or butler. Just Coach Wooden, the greatest coach possible of all time at the door for Mark and myself.

Whatever your chosen field or profession and you get to meet the top person in that field imagine how you would go into that meeting. Bill Gates, Warren Buffet, Billy Graham, any top politician, any top leader in the entertainment field. John Wooden was named by ESPN as the greatest coach of century (1900-1999). As a coach he holds a record that many will feel will not be broken in men’s college basketball. (88 consecutive victories and 10 national championships in 12 years are among the few records that will stay for a long time).

One of the first things I saw once I stepped in the front door was a basketball from one of Coach Meyer’s Lipscomb University basketball camps. Right there was a gold and purple basketball that had the Bison logo and had the phrase “Team Attitude” on the book shelf. Seeing your alma mater’s camp basketball as one of the first thing you see when you walk in made me feel at home right away. Walking along the hallways you would see a National Championship team photo and then a picture drawn by one of his great grandchildren. You might see a cover photo of Coach Wooden from a Time magazine or Sports Illustrated and then another art project from one of his grandchildren. You had the feel like you were in the house of your grandparents or someone’s grandparents. It never had the feel of someone that was once name the ESPN Greatest Coach or Sports Illustrated Man of the Year.

I looked around all the pictures like most people in that situation would be. Amazed by famous players and teams you have read about and seen on highlights down through the years. Once we sat down in his living room there was large stack of books on the coffee table that were manuscripts from him to hopefully read and even more to endorse. His living room was like a giant library. There were so many books on the shelves and things to read in that small room.

From 9am to 12 noon we sat there and talked about a variety of subjects. Most of the issues were basketball related. We talked and talked and when it slowed down I would ask more questions. Mark was gracefully enough to let me ask a lot of question and more questions and even more questions. You can imagine growing up watching someone that you probably never would have imagined sitting in their living room having a casual conversation. I remember the Notre Dame loss when there streak was broken. I remember the North Carolina State National Semifinal double overtime loss in 1974. I remember him winning his last game vs. Kentucky in 1975. You are sitting with a national hero and you are also in the presence of one of the most God-fearing humble men I have ever met. Still to this day I have a hard time at comprehending all his patience and wisdom.

The one question I recall more that all the others is when I asked Coach Wooden, “What makes a good teacher?” You have to understand Coach Wooden considered that coaching was really teaching. A “teacher” is what he considered himself. He started out as an English teacher (taught 5 classes, as well as was the football coach, basketball coach, baseball coach and track coach) as his first job once he graduated from Purdue. I knew not to ask him what makes a good coach, but by asking what makes a good teacher he might light up and give a more detailed answer. I was sitting to his right on a couch. Mark was more directly in front of him He sat there in what was probably his main chair. While we there as a group it was an almost unreal situation. To coaches it would be like sitting in the Oval Office. You have heard this giant of man so many times and read his books it is hard to imagine you are sitting there with him. Despite all the records and distinguished awards he never had an air of arrogance about him. It was just like sitting in the house of a long lost relative who acts as if he has all the time for you and would sit all day long to visit. He sounded in real life just like he did in the interviews I had seen on TV or had listened to on cassette, cd.

Once I asked the question he didn’t hesitate a second. He grabbed the right arm rest of the chair he was sitting in leaned closer to me and almost in a voice that was not as loud as his real voice, but louder than a whisper said, “a good listener”. You have those moments in time when you ask an older person a question and they have a answer that gives you no chance for a comeback or response. We are given those nuggets of wisdom and at that point there is not a follow up question. I think I hoped Mark would just say something so they silence would be so loud. When he said that there was nothing I could say. I just had to think about the answer and sit on the couch. It was hard to think of a follow up.

When you have three hours with someone famous or considered great you also want to make sure you ask the right questions. I had to make sure not to say the wrong things or step on any toes. He didn’t need me there to tell him how great he was, but I did want to ask some questions about building a program. I read so much about the man I wanted to get some behind the story information. Over all I came out unscathed and didn’t offend him or embarrass Mark.

Over and over I have replayed my question about “what makes a good teacher?” and his reply constantly in my mind. I didn’t go in with a preset list of questions. The question just came up, but to me it was the most important question on what I could take from him. It took me a while to understand what he meant. I have thought about my question and not being able to have a follow up and glad I didn’t follow up because I would have looked probably silly with whatever I said.

“What makes a good teacher?” I thought was going to bring a deep answer. The response I got was deeper and more difficult to carry out: “a good listener.” People ask about recruiting and how difficult is it in dealing with young student-athletes. My response is if you ask enough questions you will find out what you need to know. Kids will eventually let you know what you need to know. They can play it cool for a while, but they will let you in and give you a couple of key points if you are a good listener. It can save you a lot of time. A kid that is not interested in your program is not worth spending a lot of your time and energy. A kid that has serious interest you will be able to pick up by listening to what they have to say and probably by the questions they ask. If you listen long enough you will find out everything you need to know.

As a parent it can be difficult to get your kids to talk at times. A lot of parents will agree that your kids will want to talk at the most inopportune moments (maybe good for them and bad for you). You have to make time for them. If they don’t open much you have to take whatever chances you can to visit with them whether it fits into your schedule or not. What will your kids say about you as a parent one day? You can fail in some areas, but if you fail in the area of listening I think that is a big one that they remember. As a parent you may not be able to provide everything your kid wants (or needs), but most of us can be good listeners. I think Coach Wooden would say, “A good parent is a good listener.”

As a mate you don’t always feel like talking. Your better half may feel like talking when you are “talked out”. You come home at the end of the day and you are worn out. There are no more words in the tank. That is exactly the time you have to make the time to be a good listener. Maybe a stressful situation at work or with extended family keeps us from being engaged when we get home. The tougher the time the more important it is to make time to be a good listener. I think Coach Wooden would say, “A good husband or wife is a good listener.”

When you have a friend that has just been given the pink slip and is now out of work is when you have to carve out time to make the call, send the text message or email. It is not the time to bury yourself in your cocoon and worry about your own problems. A friend is there to listen to what others have to say. The phone call you get out of the blue from a friend that tells you they are going through a divorce or some other type of family difficulty is calling you for a reason. They picked your number for a reason. You answered for a reason. However they contacted or found you, reached out to you for help is for a reason. They need you because they know you will hear what they have to say. That is when your skills as a listening friend are beyond value. You mean more to that friend that you will ever know. Once you end up on the dialing end of the phone call you will understand. A friend that will listen to another friends problems is more valuable than gold. A friend that calls you because their wife or husband as asked for a divorce called you for a reason. Coach Wooden would say, “A good friend is a good listener.”

I think back to my days as high school teacher and I realize how much more effective I could have been had I been a better listener. There are keys to listening. Understanding the kids you are teaching is so important these days. I sometimes would just want to storm through assignments or lessons plans to get them checked off a list that I never really engaged with the students to listen to them and get a feel if they were tuned in or not. What a mistake to miss out on being taught and being able to teach better by becoming better in the area of listening. There were so many hurting kids in my classes that I didn’t take time to listen and see where I could help.

As a coach we are entrusted with young men from a variety of different backgrounds. Each player comes to us with a vision of how their future is going to look. They have special plans. Their roles will each be unique and how we tailor them to fit our team will determine how successful we can be ultimately as a team. It does not matter how diverse our squad makeup is in a particular season. I know that my job as a head coach comes down to how well I relate with our players. Talent can win a lot of games, but I think over time how well a coach relates to his players is the most important thing in coaching. Now some players won’t let you in initially. You have to earn their trust and trust takes time. Every team is different. I have learned in my over 20 years of coaching that it is the relationships that matter over all the X’s and O's. Relationships are what is the most important thing and will carry our team. If I can’t relate to my team our chance to be successful is greatly diminished.

If I want to be a good teacher/coach like Coach Wooden talked about I have to be a good listener. Listening can be hard at times, but it is not painful. It does not require a lot of work or extreme amount of hard labor. What is does require is for someone to get out of their comfort zone. I am always looking for ways to get better. Whether reading books, watching tapes, going to clinics or whatever other area can help me become better at what I do as a coach. When I think back to my time with Coach Wooden he gave me the best advice anyone could have given me. It is advice I give others all the time. For some reason hearing it from the Greatest Coach of all time had a little bit extra zing to the message.

I challenge you to be a great listener. If you have never taken the time to read one of Coach Wooden’s books or a book about him take the time to read about ageless wisdom. It has been said. He had more books written about him after the age of 90 than any other person.

“To be a great teacher you have to be a great listener”

Coach John Wooden

Here are a couple of other quotes from the Coach Wooden that you can share with your family, friends or team:

“Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.”

“If you're not making mistakes, then you're not doing anything. I'm positive that a doer makes mistakes.”

“You can't let praise or criticism get to you. It's a weakness to get caught up in either one.”

” Talent is God given. Be humble. Fame is man-given. Be grateful. Conceit is self-given. Be careful.”  

“Ability may get you to the top, but it takes character to keep you there.” 

“Success is never final, failure is never fatal. It's courage that counts.”  

“There are many things that are essential to arriving at true peace of mind, and one of the most important is faith, which cannot be acquired without prayer.”  

“You can't live a perfect day without doing something for someone who will never be able to repay you.”  

“Sports do not build character. They reveal it.”

“I always tried to make clear that basketball is not the ultimate. It is of small importance in comparison to the total life we live. There is only one kind of life that truly wins, and that is the one that places faith in the hands of the Savior. Until that is done, we are on an aimless course that runs in circles and goes nowhere.”

Rick Reilly: Wooden set the bar high - ESPN

 

Rick Reilly: Wooden set the bar high - ESPN

"Pareto Principle"80/20 Rule

The 80/20 Rule is one of the most helpful of all concepts of time and life management. It is also called the "Pareto Principle" after its founder, the Italian economist Vilfredo Pareto, who first wrote about it in 1895. Pareto noticed that people in his society seemed to divide naturally into what he called the "vital few", the top 20 percent in terms of money and influence, and the "trivial many", the bottom 80 percent.

He later discovered that virtually all economic activity was subject to this principle as well. For example, this principle says that 20 percent of your activities will account for 80 percent of your results, 20 percent of your customers will account for 80 percent of your sales, 20 percent of your products or services will account for 80 percent of your profits, 20 percent of your tasks will account for 80 percent of the value of what you do, and so on. This means that if you have a list of ten items to do, two of those items will turn out to be worth five or ten times or more than the other eight items put together.

Number of Tasks versus Importance of Tasks
Here is an interesting discovery. Each of the ten tasks may take the same amount of time to accomplish. But one or two of those tasks will contribute five or ten times the value of any of the others.

Often, one item on a list of ten tasks that you have to do can be worth more than all the other nine items put together. This task is invariably the frog that you should eat first.Focus on Activities, Not Accomplishments

The most valuable tasks you can do each day are often the hardest and most complex. But the payoff and rewards for completing these tasks efficiently can be tremendous. For this reason, you must adamantly refuse to work on tasks in the bottom 80 percent while you still have tasks in the top 20 percent left to be done.

Before you begin work, always ask yourself, "Is this task in the top 20 percent of my activities or in the bottom 80 percent?"

The hardest part of any important task is getting started on it in the first place. Once you actually begin work on a valuable task, you will be naturally motivated to continue. A part of your mind loves to be busy working on significant tasks that can really make a difference. Your job is to feed this part of your mind continually.Motivate Yourself
Just thinking about starting and finishing an important task motivates you and helps you to overcome procrastination. Time management is really life management, personal management. It is really taking control of the sequence of events. Time management is having control over what you do next. And you are always free to choose the task that you will do next. Your ability to choose between the important and the unimportant is the key determinant of your success in life and work.

Effective, productive people discipline themselves to start on the most important task that is before them. They force themselves to eat that frog, whatever it is. As a result, they accomplish vastly more than the average person and are much happier as a result. This should be your way of working as well.